I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
