the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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