Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
