rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
