I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
