Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
