Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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