I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize