did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
