im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
