I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
