On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize