ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
