Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
