can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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