only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
