Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
