There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize