how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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