So drunk its hurt
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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