best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
