Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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