Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
the raccoons are back...
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