Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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