You made me cry and you don't even care
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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