Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
