i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize