shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
