she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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