my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
