dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
