I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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