So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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