i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
