Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
