It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
