im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
