Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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