i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I am naked and annoyed.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
