he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize