Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
