Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize