There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize