I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
