I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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