I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
