He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
