I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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