I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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