I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
