the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
