So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
