Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
