I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Dear god my vagina.
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