I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
