Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
