Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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