I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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