you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
