I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
