i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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