Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
